In 2018 I decided I was ready for another baby. The end of midwifery school was on the horizon, Indy was turning 3, it felt like it was time. So for about 6 months we started to try, but nothing was happening. The Spring semester was extremely stressful, my cycle was like 40-50 days long, I had no idea where I’d be in a few months as my preceptorship with Karen was coming to an end in June and I would need to temporarily move somewhere to complete the rest of my clinical requirements. I figured it just wasn’t the right time.

Finally, late spring/ early summer some amazing apprenticeship opportunities opened up and I decided to go to Luna Tierra in El Paso for 6 weeks In September- October and then Shiphrah Birthing Home in the Philippines for 6 weeks in November- December. By doing both of these apprenticeships I would be able to complete almost all of the births I needed to attend in order to graduate early.

I told Johnny we should just wait until we were done traveling and start trying again in January once we got back from the Philippines. In late July I started taking a supplement called “Conception” from amazon which consisted of a bunch of fertility boosting/ cycle regulating herbs. I figured I could at least get my cycle more regular in the meantime so when we were ready to start trying again I would at least know when I was fertile.

Fast forward to my first week in El Paso, Sunday 9/9/18, I realized I was nearing day 48 of my cycle and there was no sign of my period. I was about to make an appointment for acupuncture because that always helped move things along for me. But, was feeling a little nauseous & super fatigued. I figured it was just from the new weather & all of the traveling we had just done. I had an extra pregnancy test in my bag so I thought I would take it just to make sure. I doubted the fact that I could even be pregnant since I was away almost the entire month of August. But, wanted to check before I booked the acupuncture appointment. Well I peed on that stick and instantly it was positive. Welp, those conception pills really got the job done! Holy shit, what?! I didn’t know what to think, I had 5 more weeks scheduled in hot ass El Paso & a month later we were booked to go to the Philippines. How on earth was I going to do all of this pregnant?!

With a lot of support & determination… That’s how I got it done. Almost 40 births in 8 months, countless miles traveled across the country & the world, and 10 amazing midwives I learned from. What a beautiful journey to be on all while being pregnant myself! During the last few weeks of my pregnancy I started to reflect a lot, on the last few years of this crazy adventure, but especially the last 9 months.

I was 37 weeks pregnant when I attended the last birth before my own baby would be born. I had the privilege of catching a baby of a mama I had met when I first started my journey to midwifery, who happened to have the same due date as me. It was her 3rd baby and she had an anterior lip & a nuchal hand to make for a challenging and painful birth. All of the births I had been attending were so quick that I barely made it, and now here I was with this huge belly trying to help keep this mama calm and get this stubborn cervix out of the way. Finally, baby was born in the caul, beautifully. A girl! She was convinced it would be a boy. Everything was feeling so full circle, to have met her 3 years ago when she was pregnant with her 1st and I just started working with Karen to now catching her baby. Although her birth was difficult, I was excited for mine!

I was soaking it all in. Unlike most, I love the last few weeks of pregnancy. I took the time to bond with Indy and reflect on my growth as a person & as a student. It all felt so surreal that any day this long chapter of my life was coming to an end. I wasn’t just giving birth to my second baby, I was giving birth to myself as a midwife. Things were never going to be the same in so many ways, how could I possibly prepare for the transition about to happen?

I tried not to have expectations for this birth. I didn’t want to anticipate another shoulder dystocia or needing to be sutured, I knew 2nd babies usually come much faster, but I didn’t want to tell myself that this birth would be any quicker or easier. At 40 weeks and 4 days pregnant, I was getting ready to leave work at Ohm Chiropractic around 7:30pm & started feeling crampy. Maybe I have to poop? So I went home and pooped, still crampy… Texted Johnny to come home and set the birth tub up just in case things picked up. I went out to water ice with my cousins, came home and was still having consistent cramps. I was scheduled to work the next day so I texted Justin (my boss) & chiropractor) @ 9:54pm and said, “I think I’m in early labor? Maybe not coming in tomorrow… I’ll keep ya posted. It’s either that or I have to shit haha.” He responded with, “Yeah, that sounds like labor. You got this mama.”

I ate my delicious chocolate chip water ice, cookies and cream ice cream gelati & some dinner and then decided I should try and sleep while I can. I laid in bed and turned on relaxing music, these were definitely contractions and they hurt, but I successfully rested in between for a few hours. I laid there snuggling with Indy, his hand on my belly, emotional since I knew it would be the last night of just me and him.

Around 2:30am I wasn’t able to lay down during my contractions. They weren’t super close, but they were strong and my back was killing me during them so I did lots of hands & knees to help alleviate the pain as much as I could. At 3:30am I called Karen to come, my contractions were 5 minutes apart and Johnny started filling the birth tub.

Around 4am Hayden (birth photographer) arrived and Karen & Jen (student midwife) got there an hour later. Indy woke up as soon as they got there and Johnny was dead asleep. Great, this will be fun! Indy started out sleepy and calm, but pretty quickly got his energy and started jumping on the couch, doing flips, requiring lots of attention. I wanted Karen to check me before I got in the birth tub and I was 4-5cm dilated. Hoping I was a bit further along, I tried to remain optimistic & I got in. “Mama, can I get in there with you?” Oh hell no, I couldn’t have him jumping and splashing around in this tub. I called out to wake up Johnny, I needed some peace and quiet. Thank god for the freaking water! Ah, the lovely hot water, it felt great to submerge my big belly and just relax in the tub. This freaking sucks, these contractions suck! Last time I had the energy to deal with the contractions, this time I was tired and just not in the mood to deal with them (haha, like I had a choice!)

All images copyright Hayden Trace, Home Again 2019 and may not be used or reproduced without permission.

“I’m not enjoying this”- me @ 6:40am. My back was killing me, I needed constant hip squeezing. As each contraction came on I would yell out, “My hips! Someone please squeeze my hips!” At 7am I got out of the tub. I was 7cm dilated and my contractions were every 2-3 minutes. Despite my intense back pain during contractions, baby didn’t seem to be in a bad position. I wanted sterile water injections. I had learned about them in school and how they may help alleviate some of the pain in my back. So I asked if we could give those a try even though I knew they would burn like hell. I figured if I’m going to potentially be doing this to other people in labor I wanted to experience it myself. 1,2,3, OUCH! Yeah, it freaking burns. 4 tiny injections in my lower back of just sterile water.

7:30am, yeah I think those injections helped a little bit. I was eating grapes, starting to bear down with contractions. I was able to relax in between more. Ah, a little relief. An hour later, 8:40am that relief was gone and I had the urge to push. 9cm dilated. Just breathe, that little bit of cervix will melt away. But damn, that back pain returned with a vengeance and so much pressure. I sat on the toilet. SO MUCH FREAKING PRESSURE. I cannot breathe through these, I need to push! 10 am I got back in the tub, trying to resist the urge to push. My ass! Holy shit my asshole feels like its ripping open. I’m putting pressure there while trying to fight the urge to push. I hate this labor! This totally sucks, this baby needs to come out NOW!

“You’re a pain in my ass! You are literally a pain in my ass baby!” I’m yelling in the birth tub. Indy comes over with Mama, Talk About When Max Was Born (kids book about homebirth). He’s asking why I’m yelling. “Because, it feels like I need to take a giant poop.” I tell him, he says okay and goes back to running and jumping and I could give two shits at this point I just needed this baby to come out. My first birth I remember being in the bathroom talking to my doula, “I would never want to be numb for this! This hurts, but I can’t imagine getting an epidural.” Nope, fuck that. I get it, I totally understand the appeal of an epidural right now. With my hand trying to push my hemorrhoids in while still trying not to push, I couldn’t do it anymore, I needed them to get that cervix out of the way. I need ice on my cervix, I need you to manually push it out of the way while I push I told my midwives. Just like I had to do to that poor mama a month ago when her cervix was swollen.

10:09am, I’m lying on my left side on the couch. SO. MUCH. PRESSURE. SO. INTENSE. They’re trying to move the cervix out of the way while I push down. Not working. I switch sides, now I’m on my right. They put ice in a glove and hold it to my cervix while I resist the urge to push. This went on for 20 minutes. I can’t. This is not humanly fucking impossible. My body needs to push. Nothing is working. OH MY GOD, just come out already child! Dear lord what lesson in life are you trying to teach me right now?! I’m starting to lose my shit, internally… Apparently I was still remaining pretty calm on the outside.

All images copyright Hayden Trace, Home Again 2019 and may not be used or reproduced without permission.

I went and sat on the toilet. I’m not sure how much longer I can do this. “You’re doing great, you got this.” Johnny says to me, he’s about to take Indy outside to play for a little to burn off some energy. I’m trying to push my cervix out of the way myself. I felt my baby’s head and my stubborn cervix. As my contraction came on I would push it out of the way and it would come back down. COME THE FUCK ON, JUST MOVE OUT OF THE WAY ALREADY! This baby is a Taurus, of course this baby is stubborn I thought. At 11:00am there was a gush of clear fluid. “My water broke!” Jen came in to listen, baby sounded great. I’m pushing, I’m feeling baby come down. “Something’s happening, I think it’s working!” Cervix is out of the way. Holy shit this baby is actually coming. I’m on hands and knees in the bathroom. “Yes! Your baby is coming, someone go get John and tell him it’s time to come in.” Karen says.

Johnny comes in the bathroom and sits at the edge of the bathtub. My head is in his lap. I feel this baby actively coming out, making its movements to be born. SO WILD! I’m holding my perineum, afraid to tear. The head comes out so much easier and quicker than Indy’s big ass head. It feels like it’s been a while. Is this another shoulder dystocia? I move my leg, I’m doing the things I’d tell someone else to do if it was a shoulder dystocia. I feel Karen’s hand, “Just go in and get the baby if you need to”, I tell her.

“Their hand is right there, no shoulder dystocia. You’re doing great I’m just holding my hand here so you don’t tear.” Karen says to me. The next contraction the baby is born. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! That oxytocin high is even better the 2nd time around. I’m a mess, literally and figuratively. Tears, I think everyone was crying. “Johnny I did it! I fucking did it!” I look down. A girl! I was convinced I was having another boy, but no! Born on the bathroom floor just like Indy. A beautiful baby girl! I’m sobbing. What a rush of emotions. How on earth did I just do that? It felt impossible. “Look Indy, you have a sister.” Johnny says, Indy’s face says “What the hell did I just watch happen?” Haha, I’m so glad he got to experience it too though. The human body is so fucking incredible, no words, just tears. Lots & lots of tears.

All images copyright Hayden Trace, Home Again 2019 and may not be used or reproduced without permission.

My placenta is born a few minutes later. I’m trying to wrap my head around what just happened. Birth gives you one hell of a high I can tell you that! My immediate thoughts were that pain was so horrible yet I know I’ll do it again, this is crazy. I give up, I’ll never understand this magic. I get up and get into my bed. She’s beautiful. I don’t think newborns are cute usually, but shit she’s actually cute! She looks so much smaller than Indy as a newborn. Johnny’s loving her up already, he hands her to me in bed. She feels so light! I’m guessing she weighs 7lbs 14oz? Something like that… Indy is so excited. Johnny asks him what he thought about watching his sister be born. “It looked like mommy was throwing up out of her vagina.” Indy replies. Yeah, that’s accurate kid…

I stare at her next to me- you just gave me so much trouble- but she’s so calm + content + CUTE! That damn swollen cervix & nuchal hand! That explains it all… I immediately think about the mama who’s birth I attended a few weeks before this, I feel for her. I once read an article titled “The Anterior Cervical Lip: How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Birth” - yeah it seriously does ruin a perfectly good birth, never again please! Karen comes in to check my bottom. I don’t need to be sutured. YESSSS!

They bring me food and drinks as I lay in bed and relax. I’m exhausted. They clean up the birth tub, the bathroom and living room. A little while later Jen comes in to do the newborn exam. Indy is excited to assist her. When we were at Shiphrah Birthing Home in the Philippines Indy loved to help while I did newborn exams. He cuts the cord, he observes his new baby sister and smiles down at her. He loves her! She’s 7lbs 12 oz and 19” long. Then Justin comes over after work to adjust the baby and everyone else. I am so thankful for having him in my life. Seriously, he’s the best!